Dispatch 045

I want to be everything. I want to be all things at once without any sacrifice of quality or depth.

I want to be everything and my inability to do so is causing me a great deal of angst.

I want to be what the sun is, a giant burning ball of energy. And, at the same time, be what the stars are, the twinkle in the dark, the far away symbols of more existing, always more. But I also want to be roots in the dirt, grounded to the solid, unchanging certainties in life.

I want to be in love. I want to be in love, but I also want to be in control.

I want to be hydrated and fit and nourished, but I also want to be so resilient that no lack of sleep or activity or nourishment can stop me.

I want to be mother fucking good at what I do but not married to what I do, and I just can't figure out how to get mother fucking good at what I do without marrying it.

I want to be dynamically flexing forward, always, but also, stable and secure.

I want to be the way a toddler looks at planes in the sky, but also the way a grandma watches her toddler look at a plane in the sky.

I want to be a musician and a climber and a runner and a designer and a writer and a mother. And I want to be relaxed, while being all of that.

I want to be everything and my inability to do so is causing me a great deal of angst.

I want to be the way mud feels squished between your toes but I also want to be the way an empty white gallery feels.

I want to be the girl who stays up until 3 in the morning just wandering and wild and listening to stories of people she doesn't know and I also want to be the girl who gets up at 5 am and runs through the mountains before the birds even wake.

I want to be proud of what I've done and sing myself from the rooftops and I also want to be humble and delicate and unassuming.

I want to create things that matter without getting lost in my martyrdom. 

I want to have a carefully curated place, a nest that supports rest and creativity, and I also want to be unattached to anywhere, free and comfortable in myself without place.

I want to believe I'm beautiful and I want to feel that doesn't make anyone else any less beautiful.

I was mad at the world because I thought it wouldn't let me be everything, and how dare it show me this complex magical universe and not allow me to be each part of it.

But then I looked within myself a little deeper. So deep that I got lost for a while. And when I came back out, I realized, I am everything.