Dispatch 035

Free write for book idea

I've only been seen by a man once, and it was briefly, and more like he was seeing me in a mirror than in person. I met him in my line of work under unfortunate circumstances. Do you know what it's like to be seen? It's like being split open down the middle, as if fingers reach down between your two rib cages and pull them apart, and then every little hidden thing inside you spills out onto the floor in a big goopy mess. And you try to quickly scoop it up but you're obviously incapacitated and you just have to sit there and watch it ooze and look at the person who is seeing. I was able to bring my ribs back together but only after days of being paralyzed in the astonishment of having been driven to such intense emotion by someone simply understanding me.

My line of work requires me to see others regularly and I've become numb to that side of it. My subjects can hide very little from me. I know about their families and their college crushes and sometimes I also know about very terrible things they have done. Truly seeing somebody is acknowledging that the good, brilliant, compassionate parts of people do not have to be tainted by the dark, wrong parts. Everyone has good and evil in them, but I judge character by which parts they are consistently willing to give power to. 

My subjects tend to know very little about me, but sometimes I slip and let something through. This is what happened with Foster, and why he was able to split my heart right down the middle. I was not prepared for that crucification. That's what if felt like - being splayed and held up on a cross for all beings and gods to see. I didn't like it at the time, but I like thinking about it as I drive further and further away from my job and Foster.

I am better off not being seen. In the spiritual sense but also in all other senses. I have not only died my hair dark brown, I have also cut it into a cute little housewife bob and it barely moves as the wind whips in through my cracked window.

I have finally made it.